Oom Yung Doe to launch new training and belt system.

Dateline San Diego – Reporters gathered at Oom Yung Doe headquarters in San Diego, for the unveiling of the new Inter-Dimensional Training Program. This new program enables Oom Yung Do students to achieve the level of blackbelt reportedly in a mere 6 months. Instructors, ready to open new OYD schools, will be fully certified at 9 months. The new system will replace the previous International belt program, in effect since January of 2001.

“What makes this quantum leap in martial arts training is our new Moo Do Hyperbaric Dimension Warping Chamber (MDHDWC).” Assistant Dimensional Instructor Robert Sawinski said. “Packed with the latest in Moo Do technology, this chamber, which resembles a common lavatory, will be installed in each of our schools by 3^rd quarter of this year.”

“Please to ask a question, How did we come up with this? We watched Grandmaster Iron Kim over the course of several months, to determine what personal habits went into the making of a grandmaster. What we found is that grandmaster, especially after a large meal (generally a Wendy’s triple stack with Kim Chee instead of lettuce) Grandmaster will spend up to two hours at one time inside his own MDHDWC.” Proudly stated Head Dimensional Warping Instructor Tom White. “After meditating in there, while rhythmically leafing through a “Jugs” magazine, Grandmaster will often come out and leap out of a 3^rd story window instead of using the stairs. I’ve seen it. Sort of.”

Reports got to view the initial prototype, and found it to resemble a normal lavatory, with several key differentiations. For one, the normal wood or plastic toilet seat was instead an oversized hemorrhoid pillow packed with Glut Chill Saw Butt herb, designed to ease the practitioner into an altered state where the dimension warping technology can work it’s magic. There was Also “Longevity Formula” herbal hand soap, and a special terry cloth robe with the Likeness of Iron Kim Chong Su Nim on each lapel.

While in the chamber, Moo Do knowledge is assimilated by the student, breathing in an augmented herb soaked kerchief, and listening to Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA. “What’s going on is the student is transported to a meditational state where movement is assimilated through every pore, not just through repetition and practice like those crappy Kick/Punch schools.” Offered Jerry Barfield, Grand Pooh Bah of the Interdimensional Instruction Core. “Instead, the student, Like Grandmaster, is communing directly with the source of all Moo Do knowledge, at the crossroads of all dimensions. It really kicks ass.”

“Students will need to purchase their own robes, a retail value of $2200 which we make available to interdimensional students for the low, low price of $1895.” Noted Swainski. “The new training costs about 4K per month, which may sound expensive, but what price do you want to put on your health. Each 25 minute session in the booth costs an additional $500, which you can do as often as you like, space permitting. Because you set the pace at which you attend sessions within the chamber, you can progress as quickly as you can afford. Our literature states you can reach instructor level in 9 months, but if you have the greenbacks, you can get there much quicker.”

Martial Arts, taking a quantum leap. This reporter was impressed!

For the Real Ultimate Power Gazzette, this is Robert Hamburger signing off.

Robert Hamburger